Update

Been...around 4 months since my last post.

Hmm. Nothing to write.

Nothing of any particular interest.

And another 4 months pass.

Of rest and relaxation.

Waste of time?

Not a single major accomplishment....except for the upcoming full license test??

Sigh

Indie Rock

Why the hell do people like it??

It is the lowest form of music sitting on top of listening to a tone deaf 12 year old thinking she's alicia keys...

The. Worst. Ever.

You must be high on something pretty high quality if you like it.

Holidays

Nothing numbs your noggin like the holidays....

No strenuous mental activity coupled with lazing around...

Bliss...

Papercut

No, not the song.

FUCKING painful!!!
Like holy shit oh my freaking son of a mother fucking biatch painful!!!

It's cos signal transduction is incredibly fast, conducted by the C fibers (sharp pain) and continuously fires....Unlike chopping your arm off where the shock should decrease pain sensors firing and A-delta fibres firing (slow, dull pain)

I hate paper. It should burn

10점 만점에 10점

그녀의 입술은 맛있어, 입술은 맛있어,
10점 만점에 10점~
그녀의 다리는 멌져, 다리는 멌져,
10점 만점에 10점~
그녀의 날리는 머릿결, 날리는 머릿결,
10점 만점에 10점~
그녀는 머리에서 발끝까지 모두다,
10점 만점에 10점!!

and thus the song goes.

I've been used and lied to. Betrayed? Nearly but not quite.
Fallen for something that only seeks to gain things and not return the favour...

But I am not hurt. There's a limit to how much a man's heart can break. Sadly I've reached it.

Dunedin is a small place. There are only so many attractive guys and girls.
Lets say the reserves are dry and we're on empty tanks. What now??

I have always needed a target, even an impossible target, just...a target. Somewhere to aim. Someone to be with. Morals dictate that that person is now off-limits.

The emptiness I felt for about 1 hour has now filled with realisation. The extent of the web of lies that I am strung up upon is a LOT bigger than I thought.

And who else but someone I trusted in? Someone I've leaned against during the hard times of 2006? Someone I've learned to be comfortable with?

But it doesn't hurt, I just feel like I have to get out of here, I need a change of scenery, I need a break from all of this.

Afghani's have a saying that loosely says: "Life goes on" which pretty much means "shit happens, get over it you pussy"

I get over things by leaning on other people. And sometimes I lend a shoulder for them to lean on. One of my biggest person to lean on has completely smacked me in the face. And even now tries to hide what I already know.

Why do people do this?? Am I not trustworthy? Do I talk about other people's secrets that much? What is it that they do not trust in me??

Misinterpretation

If I could read the mind of people... Man that'd be cool. I wish I could...

However, we, the Homo sapien sapien (wise-wise-human - apparently wiser than the wise-human) have resorted to the simple act of speaking to communicate thoughts, beliefs, feelings, opinions etc.

There is an inherent problem here. What if the other person says the wrong thing? What if the other person does not convey the truth? What if the other person speaks differently to what they think? What if the other person is a flea? Can I talk to fleas? No, thats a stupid question. But the other three...

Also, what if the receiving side does not perceive all the implications or hidden meanings of what is said by the speaking side?? There are large parameters of misinterpretation. This is my point.

We lie about our feelings. We hide our true secrets. We imply certain things that we don't want to talk about openly.

Circumstances may call for such measures but I really don't see the need for everyone to be conniving or witholding. It annoys me. A LOT.

I hate the words 'oh it doesn't concern you' or 'nah, don't worry about it, I'm fine'.

If you're not gonna talk to me about it, why the fuck are you bringing it up?? And yet, I see myself say the very same thing...

We all know they're lies. We ALL know. Unless you're an idiot. Of which I am not. I hope.

Some people...you care about more than the world. But when they give you mixed messages and acts in an even more strange manner... What the hell am I supposed to think? Especially when I know that it's not alright, that something is the matter, something's wrong??

My life is so...bleurgh. There. I made a new word. Thats how you describe my life.

Losing energy, will or any sort of motivation to do anything, especially study, let alone live for that matter...

People say they live for this, to do that. What do I have? I don't know. Must the reason for our continued life be justified? Or do we live for biology's sake? Simply, to see another day, to survive and reproduce as the textbook goes. Religions, books, cults and all this other crap have come to explain the simple question: Why do we want to live?

Stick a gun to someone's head on a random day and ask them if they want to live. They will 100% guaranteed say yes. Why?

Hope?? Don't get me started. That word has been a thorn to my fucking face since day 1. Emotion and connection are two powerful words. But you may not understand their relevance here.

It's like watching a man walk through a desert. He just trudges on, placing his feet in front, one by one, another step succeeding another. You ask him why he goes on, where he's going to, he just smiles and keeps walking. How do you know whats beyond the hill? What is behind that mountain ahead? All he does is walk on. Step after step after step in the stinking sand... No companion, just him slowly walking up the pathway to where? Every step takes energy and he is finite. There will be a point where he will stop. When will that be?

So many questions. Not one answer. My heart already has too many cracks running through. I don't want to make more now...Just not this time. Not with this one. This one's a bit more special than the others. Just for once, I pray. To whatever God there is out there. This is the extent I have gone to. Down on my knees. I pray.

In short, I have an eye infection on top of a cold which has lasted 2 weeks and now I'm depressed. Given up losing weight (less food = feeling colder when I go outside...I don't know why either), can't go to the gym because cold will get worse. Can't study properly and have to rely on pussy medical cert's.

Cheeseburger + microwave oven at 2am = GREATNESS

Curiosity

I remember...

I remember the story of Pandora's box. Curiosity killed the cat. The overall theme of the thing.

All the nasty stuff inside such as hate, gluttony, etc etc [insert stuff from the 7 basic sins or something similar] were released into the world, simply because Pandora became too curious. No I don't remember this from the year 9 book we were taught to remember and recite from. I remember it from a stargate episode.

However, the main thing, a little runty thing called hope remained inside. It's a story about how hope always remains so we can turn the tables on our bad fortune, or that good things are around the corner so perseverance is called for.

When a guy really likes a girl...But then has to forgo the opportunity to court her, or is rejected, he carries with him a small scar. If confronted, every single man in this world will deny it, or admit that it's so small, its negligible. The truth however, is that this scar runs deep, and reaches inside to the core of a guy's heart. And there, at times, will shock the nerves of his heart. There are different triggers but there will always exist at least one trigger for every girl the guy's ever had the misfortune of having his heart broken by. A particular shade of colour, a certain scent passing swifter than Roger Bannister... A gripping sensation that brings back a torrent of snapshots...Each snapshot of time seceding to another and another... For a while, he is lost.

But what if a long time friend is the subject? He is seen as selfish as he is usurping the relationship he and she have built with each other, wanting to potentially risk something she does not want to throw away. Yet his feelings are undeniable. Every day he seeks advice from those around, whispering here, digging information there. As each brick of knowledge is placed, he learns of the circumstances, the number of people involved, the complexity of the situation whirls around like a maelstrom threatening to engulf everything in that swirling mass...

Words, words, words. Friendship. Relationship. Commitment. Boundary. Loyalty. Simple words. Words in the dictionary. Like chain manacles biting into his wrists.

Curiosity. Oh how it kills. Wanting. How it hurts.

His invincibility days are gone. Humility and cowardice have set in.

The crossroad approaches but he does not know if there is a choice. There may not be one, but simply a path leading to failure.

Every time a decision is made, the pestering word hope creeps in, worming a hole into his heart, setting up residence until evicted. Painfully. A viscious cycle of ejection and re-entry.

Hope. I hate that word. And I hate that story. I prefer the pomegranate seed one.