Saturday, September 20, 2008


If I could read the mind of people... Man that'd be cool. I wish I could...

However, we, the Homo sapien sapien (wise-wise-human - apparently wiser than the wise-human) have resorted to the simple act of speaking to communicate thoughts, beliefs, feelings, opinions etc.

There is an inherent problem here. What if the other person says the wrong thing? What if the other person does not convey the truth? What if the other person speaks differently to what they think? What if the other person is a flea? Can I talk to fleas? No, thats a stupid question. But the other three...

Also, what if the receiving side does not perceive all the implications or hidden meanings of what is said by the speaking side?? There are large parameters of misinterpretation. This is my point.

We lie about our feelings. We hide our true secrets. We imply certain things that we don't want to talk about openly.

Circumstances may call for such measures but I really don't see the need for everyone to be conniving or witholding. It annoys me. A LOT.

I hate the words 'oh it doesn't concern you' or 'nah, don't worry about it, I'm fine'.

If you're not gonna talk to me about it, why the fuck are you bringing it up?? And yet, I see myself say the very same thing...

We all know they're lies. We ALL know. Unless you're an idiot. Of which I am not. I hope.

Some care about more than the world. But when they give you mixed messages and acts in an even more strange manner... What the hell am I supposed to think? Especially when I know that it's not alright, that something is the matter, something's wrong??

My life is so...bleurgh. There. I made a new word. Thats how you describe my life.

Losing energy, will or any sort of motivation to do anything, especially study, let alone live for that matter...

People say they live for this, to do that. What do I have? I don't know. Must the reason for our continued life be justified? Or do we live for biology's sake? Simply, to see another day, to survive and reproduce as the textbook goes. Religions, books, cults and all this other crap have come to explain the simple question: Why do we want to live?

Stick a gun to someone's head on a random day and ask them if they want to live. They will 100% guaranteed say yes. Why?

Hope?? Don't get me started. That word has been a thorn to my fucking face since day 1. Emotion and connection are two powerful words. But you may not understand their relevance here.

It's like watching a man walk through a desert. He just trudges on, placing his feet in front, one by one, another step succeeding another. You ask him why he goes on, where he's going to, he just smiles and keeps walking. How do you know whats beyond the hill? What is behind that mountain ahead? All he does is walk on. Step after step after step in the stinking sand... No companion, just him slowly walking up the pathway to where? Every step takes energy and he is finite. There will be a point where he will stop. When will that be?

So many questions. Not one answer. My heart already has too many cracks running through. I don't want to make more now...Just not this time. Not with this one. This one's a bit more special than the others. Just for once, I pray. To whatever God there is out there. This is the extent I have gone to. Down on my knees. I pray.

In short, I have an eye infection on top of a cold which has lasted 2 weeks and now I'm depressed. Given up losing weight (less food = feeling colder when I go outside...I don't know why either), can't go to the gym because cold will get worse. Can't study properly and have to rely on pussy medical cert's.

Cheeseburger + microwave oven at 2am = GREATNESS